If you were to meet me, you wouldn’t know I battle with anxiety and depression. If you follow me on social media, you may have seen me hint at it. And if I’m lucky enough to call you my close friend, then you’ve had a little insight on my struggles.

Previously, I didn’t like to show any signs of anxiety or depression because I wanted to come off as the nice, friendly, everything is great, happy person. I’m typically very positive and optimistic, and I like to be the person to come to when you need someone to just listen and make sure you’re okay. I never wanted to be the person that needed help. Maybe I saw seeking help as a sign of weakness, or that people would see me differently and wouldn’t want to come to me with their problems anymore. If I couldn’t help myself, how am I suppose to help others? If I’m not happy-go-lucky, who will want to be around me? (I know those are all lies now.) So for years I really tried to hold in all of my true thoughts and feelings.

Luckily, I came across some good friends that were open and honest about their battles with mental health. It was so reassuring to know that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this. Anxiety and depression can be so isolating and for me; the more I isolate, the worse it gets. I found that even just knowing other people with the same struggles helped me to get through it a little better, but overall it wasn’t enough.

Lesson Learned – Surround yourself with people that you can talk to and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable.

A few years ago, I realized that I really wasn’t feeling myself, and it was hard for me to find the motivation and energy to do the things like exercise, journal, socialize, etc.; the things that would really get me out of my funk. So I talked to my doctor, and she asked me what I wanted to do about it. Did I want to talk to someone, or did I want to take medication? I had tried some counseling in college, but I found it didn’t really help me then because I don’t really like talking about myself. By the time my counseling appointments came, I was in a good mood, and I didn’t really know what to say about why I previously felt so down. So I opted for medication.

I think the medication helped initially to get me back to where I wanted to be, but I still struggled. I didn’t fully understand the purpose of the medication and how I was supposed to know if it really worked or if I needed to change something. For me, I felt like my anxiety and depression were just self diagnosed. I heard those words thrown around, and I didn’t know any other way to express what I was feeling, so I claimed those words as my own. Because I felt like I had only self diagnosed myself and I wasn’t really seeing the benefit in the medication, I decided to stop taking it. Apparently you shouldn’t do that, and I learned the hard way. I found out that just stopping the medicine has some major side effects on your mood. So I thought my mood swings just had to do with me stopping my medication and not the fact that I actually have anxiety and depression and the medication had in fact worked.

Lesson Learned – Share with your doctor how you are really feeling, ask questions and if something is not working, speak up. They are there to help you and they don’t know what’s going on unless you tell them.

With the withdrawal of medication and having a lot of thoughts about my life at the time, I finally decided to try therapy. I needed an outlet. I needed someone to talk to that wouldn’t have any bias or any judgement about my situation. I found therapy really helpful. I had a lot of thoughts, and once I got them out of my head and talked about them with a person from a new perspective, I felt like I was able to look at my problems differently and work through them in a better manner. Once I started feeling better, I stopped going to therapy. I didn’t really want to talk about myself or my problems anymore because I felt like I had gotten the bigger things under control. I thought I would be able to figure anything else out on my own.

Well a few months later, with no medication and no therapy, I started to slip back into a depression. My stress level was high, and I was feeling overwhelmed and anxious about everything. I was in a state of constantly being on the verge of tears and probably cried everyday. And once the bad thoughts started to creep in, I would go down a rabbit hole of thinking life was pointless. Most of the time I felt like I was doing everything wrong and was filled with guilt and feeling overwhelmed, which lead to many panic attacks.

Even though I knew something had to change, I didn’t have any energy to make the change. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about getting help and I was worried about what that path would look like. I have seen others get help, and it’s such a process to figure out what medication works and how it affects you. I just felt like going through that process would be too much effort.

Lesson Learned – Know yourself. When you start to notice that you don’t feel like yourself, reach out and ask for help. The sooner you do something to change how you’re feeling the sooner you can start feeling better.

I’m not sure what exactly changed, but I had a moment where I had enough courage to go ahead and contact my therapist for a session. I’m so thankful I did, because just letting out some of my thoughts and feelings was a huge weight off of my shoulders. After a few sessions, we determined that I was very depressed and more depressed than I had been before. Being able to talk to her about depression and what it looked like for me was such an eye opener. It made me feel like I was actually starting to get some answers and understood what I was going through and why everything felt so hard. She encouraged me to discuss medication again with my doctor and explained how the medication would actually help. I went back on the medication I originally took as a starting point. Some slight progress, but not too much better. With the help of my therapist and doctor I realized that increasing the dosage would be beneficial. And it was, it made a huge difference!

Lesson Learned – Knowledge is Power! The more you are able to understand what you are going through the more you are able to understand what you need to do to fix it. 

Since my depression this time was so much worse, my therapist suggested that I seek out a psychiatrist for an actual diagnosis. I knew it was a good idea, but it was something that I was still a little hesitant about. I wanted answers, but at the same time I didn’t really want answers. I didn’t want to find out that I was actually super screwed up (to be clear, if you have any sort of mental illness you are NOT screwed up!! This was the anxiety and depression talking!) and would need to go through a bunch of medications to figure it out and that it would be a long and difficult process.

I went into my psychiatrist appointment with lots of anxiety, but an open mind. My appointment actually went really well. (How shocking, things are never as scary as my anxiety tells me.) It felt good to get more of my thoughts out in a safe environment. At the end of my appointment, I got some answers that reassured me that I was on the right path. Having an actual diagnosis helped me to better understand that what I was going through was normal, and that I would be fine. I felt heard and supported. I’m happy that I’m in a better place mentally now, and I know what to do if I feel like I start to slip again. I now understand, at this moment in my life, I need medication and therapy. That may not always be the case, but I’m okay with the fact that I currently need both. With these tools in place, I’m able to feel like my normal self again. I am excited to see my life through a new lens!

Lesson Learned – Don’t let your anxiety and depression trick you into thinking that the process of seeking help will be harder than the depression itself.

Why am I sharing this?

This was hard for me to share, but I felt like I needed to. I want you to know that it’s okay to battle depression and anxiety. It’s okay to talk about your depression and anxiety. The more that you talk about it and share your story, the more it helps you feel better. Anxiety brain wants you to feel like you’re the only one that is feeling this way and that there is something wrong with you. When you talk about it, you fight it back. You get the thoughts out of your head, and the people that support you can help provide you with new, more uplifting thoughts. And when you share your story, it gives other people that haven’t shared their story yet hope. It helps them know that they are also not alone. I hope that my story helps you feel less alone and encourages you to keep fighting.

I also want you to know that it’s not only okay to seek help, but that it’s crucial. The right people are here to support you. Life is hard enough, there is no reason to make it any harder on yourself by living with something that you can get help for. You were meant to enjoy your life, and it’s hard to enjoy life if you are battling with a mental illness. Once you get help to get back to your baseline, then you are able to really become your best self and live your best life.

And for those of you that haven’t experienced depression and anxiety, I hope this sheds some light on what people may be going through. I hope that you never judge anyone for having a mental illness. I hope that you encourage and support the people around you. You never know what battles someone is fighting, so always be kind and give people grace. Remember to give yourself some grace as well. That last part may actually be the most difficult, but will help you the most. Whether you are battling mental illness or not, don’t be so hard on yourself or other people.

In whatever struggles you are facing, you are not alone. I see you, and I am here for you.

Sending you lots of love and encouragement.

Be YOU. BeYOUtiful.