I’m currently fighting with myself.

I’m supposed to be working on my podcast episode to release and I just can’t. I know I’m capable of doing it, I just don’t want to. I’m not in the right mindset, I feel like crying, I don’t feel like I have anything nice to say and feeling that way just puts me in more of a negative cycle.

Some days I’m really good about pushing through with my anxiety, and especially when things absolutely have to get done. I’m able to force myself to complete the tasks at hand and realize that it’s not that bad.

Other days, it’s extremely hard to push through. I’ve done some things today, but not everything on my to do list and it feels really hard. Like really freakin hard. For me, my anxiety looks like not feeling capable of doing something and going down a whole rabbit hole of why everything sucks and nothing matters. It breaks my heart when I get this way and it breaks my heart even more knowing that someone else is also feeling this way and maybe even worse.

(Side Note) Just writing this out is making me a little stronger and feeling capable of doing more.

This year has really taught me that small steps can get you to where you want to be and small steps can help you change your mindset. And honestly, at times like this where my anxiety is causing me to slip more into a depression, the small steps seem like BS. When my mind is foggy and my anxiety brain has taken over, small steps don’t feel like they will be enough to change anything.

Like a quick walk or a few deep breaths don’t feel like they will do anything to change how bad I feel. My anxiety brain tells me that I should just keep doing nothing and should just go take a nap and deal with things later. For me, sometimes a nap actually does the trick, but if I’m really honest with myself, it usually makes it worse because it’s avoidance behavior.

Luckily for me, my loving husband made me stay in my office and just try to work on my podcast. Many people probably don’t realize this, but I have some rebellious tendencies and especially when my anxiety brain takes over, I don’t like to do what I’m told.

My husband is so kind and so supportive and he really does know when to push me when I can do more than I think, but also when to hold me and let me cry. This time he knew to push me, and I knew he was right, but my anxiety brain took over:

Like what is wrong with my brain?!

Not sure if anyone else can relate, but that’s seriously how my brain works and it is sooooo frustrating!!

So because my wonderful husband asked me to just try to record a podcast episode, I sat here for a few minutes and figured I guess I’ll give it a try. I set up my computer to record, but honestly I felt like if I started to speak I would probably ramble and cry, so I decided to write.

I love and hate my husband for being right on this. Just focusing on trying to do something was what I needed. Writing out this blog post helped me to shift my mindset and overcome the anxiety I was feeling.

I decided to write and share my actual feelings, even though it seems insane to share my personal thoughts that are so raw, because that is the point of my blog and podcast. I want to share with people the moments that aren’t always so pretty to show that you can make it through. Dealing with anxiety and depression is rough and you can’t always just push past it. You have to work through it. You have to know that happier times will come. You have to believe that you can keep going and that it’s worth it.

This post isn’t to gain any sympathy or to have people worry about me. This is just to let someone else know that they are not alone. Everything you go through makes you, you. Own your story.

Be YOU. BeYOUtiful.